Coming back to school in August after a rewarding summer, filled with a mix of challenging and relaxing moments, I was an emotional wreck. Move-in day, just two months ago, was the hardest I have cried, probably since I fell off my bike when I was 6, and that feeling of my world falling beneath me wasn’t much different. I didn’t realize how fresh these emotions would be by merely stepping foot on Cedarville’s campus again. The dread of loneliness was still a prevalent worry in my life. Though my relationship with God had never been stronger from the times I had spent praying through the loneliness, I was faced with an entire year that would either go extremely well or be a mirror image of the previous year, the latter of which I was dreading.
Flashforward to this moment, I can say with a peaceful heart that God has blessed this semester more than I could imagine. Not only was my fear of loneliness swiftly erased by my incredible friends, but God showed Himself to me more vividly and passionately than I had ever seen Him before. Christ touched my heart so deeply that He physically forced me to my knees very early on in the semester, taking my relationship with Him to an entirely different place than it had been before. Little did I know that Christ was preparing me for a semester full of hard lessons, some I knew that I had to learn, and others that completely blindsided me. Though God has been putting me through a lot of emotional uncertainty this semester, He has helped me grow more than I could imagine. God has put me face to face with my pride and impatience, teaching me that I will forever be working through things I thought I had tackled, showing me the beauty of sanctification.
Though I have found this process to be beautiful, it is, to be brutally honest, excruciating at times. The desire for a relationship has been stronger in me this semester than it has ever been, and the presence of that desire, along with God teaching me patience, has been incredibly difficult. A few weeks ago, I was desperately trying to differentiate between what God was telling me and what I wanted to hear. That night felt like the match of the century, where my worldly desires and the Holy Spirit were having it out with each other. All I wanted was to explain to God that I wanted a boyfriend, my heart aching for that next step, and all God was trying to tell me was to “Just wait, and it’ll be perfect.” Those few words simultaneously felt like a stab to my heart and a relief to the soul. He combined my emotions of desiring a relationship with my desire to grow closer to Him, showing me in His simple, perfect way, that He has my best intentions at heart.
To be incredibly honest, this process has and still continues to hurt, but I know that this process is a transition in my life. Though I would prefer this transition to hopefully result in a relationship, I know that Christ has my heart in His hands. Even though I know he will continue to mold and make my heart into what He wants it to be, He will never drop it.